Jack's Journey Through Junior Year

BY: Jack Tagliamonte

You guys think Amazon is secretly a wicked Viking Clan, Norsemen of old, wicked cool boat loving, ax wielding ax guys? I do, they're buying huge businesses and plots of land to build huge buildings for "Storage" but is it storage, Amazon? Or is it secret prisons, super well hidden boat garage, or maybe a gateway into some upside down world that was opened by some little girl with an Eggo waffle addiction? Really Amazon, I don't see you having anything good about you, your CEO looks like Mark Zuckerberg's bald lizard brother, he looks like Dr. Evil with Dumbo ears, he looks like an egg. Alright I'm done smacking on Mr. Clean, but he looks like the kind of guy who just bought into being evil, kind of looks like he's trying to kill Superman, okay seriously I'm done making fun of him but there's a serious look to his face like he's trying to take over the world with some crazy secret plan and I want to uncover it.

Jeff Bazos, you look like you know which one came first, the chicken or the egg. He probably knows and won't tell anyone just for the fact that we don't know, but maybe he really is just a normal guy with an incredible business that surpasses everyone else's idea. Nah that's boring, there's nothing interesting about that, there has to be some crazy Kit Kat and a kaboodle at the end of this right? YOU'RE RIGHT! SO as stated earlier, they've been buying out huge businesses and taking them for their own, sounds very... Viking don't you think? Vikings were aggressive boys with boats, Jeff has a boat and has been taking out competition left and right, showing he is aggressive. Vikings had hair, Jeff used to have hair too. Vikings raided and fought for personal gain and according to Forbes, Jeff is definitely rocking that "personal gain" thing with his 19.1 BILLION DOLLAR HOME. So really I think Jeff is descendant of Bjorn Ironside, one of the most intense vikings ever.

I'm just spooked Amazon is gonna take over the world with its insane in the membrane viking tactics and you should be too. Also the FCC is a big ol bowl of gross guy spaghetti if Net Neutrality gets chopped.