The Brown Jug's Story

BY: Jack Tagliamonte

You all know the story of the Brown Jug, but I don't, so I'm gonna tell you my idea of why this gross looking jug that we fight over every year is rightfully ours.

Back in the like...  1600 kind of idea, we follow a man named King Richard III, he ruled over lands he called Madison. Every year they would defend themselves from pirates that would  invade them from what is now called Canada, it was formerly called "Free Healthcare and Beavers." The pirates would sail across the lake and try to take an artifact given by the Greek God Zeus himself, a blue jug. It's power was immense. It's royal blue color and small lightning bolts gave King Richard III the idea to name his soldiers "Blue Streaks".They were faster and stronger than 10 men combined, and no one could beat them. Years passed and King Richard III held the jug with pride, but the pirates were in the bay, waiting for the right time to steal the jug away from the kingdom.

That fateful night, pirates snuck into Madison's lands, stole the jug and sailed back to "Free Healthcare and Beavers," but Zeus felt something was wrong with the force- or something, I don't know- and attacked the dreaded pirates, smiting ships down one by one, the god was furious, throwing lightning from the sky. The pirates landed safely in their own land and tainted the jug, turning its vibrant blue to a dirty brown, rumor has it that it because they're all really gross and dirty over there but hey you didn't hear it from me, anyway the jug lost its power and didn't grant its legendary power any longer.

The pirates migrated down south, and, as a result of injury, they sat up camp not far from the kingdom and taunted King Richard III for ages. The jug was fought over for decades on end until Zeus told the holder of the jug that the power can be reborn by eating a bunch of stale minty lifesavers, no one believed him because no one likes minty lifesavers, especially if they're stale.

So who knows, we all could've been winning the brown jug but we're all afraid of stale lifesavers.